Celebrity DNA Code Found in 11- Minute Guitar Solo

dnaLate last Thursday as I was scrolling around the different sections of my site, just to see the hit counters go up, when I suddenly came across the error message stating that my site had been ‘deleted due to violation of terms of use’. 

I quickly shot off a couple hundred emails to different branches of the company who hosted the site, and went off to scan through their Terms of Use page to see if I could see any rule which I had violated. I remained dumb-founded for much of the weekend.

It was only this morning, after a maze of format reply emails and inane questions like‘is your browser currently accepting cookies?’, that I finally received official word on why my site was deleted.

The last mp3 I had posted was the 16 minute, and in my mind definitive, version of Thunks ‘Bluegrass Anesthesia’ recorded live on Halloween night of 2002. The basic matter of the song itself is about three minutes– a few verses and choruses- but on this night we stretched the song waaaay out, improvising the piece to five times its usual length.

Apparently in the course of this completely sporadic and serendipitous exploration of sound, I played a guitar solo only consisting of four notes; A, C, D, and G; being repeated over and over in an ever-changing algorithm. It turns out that when dissected from the song and charted onto paper, this random-seeming progression of four notes matches exactly the specific and unique DNA coding of a certain controversial celebrity (who shall remain nameless and will be referred to as PH).
It seems that PH came across my site when she was scouring the net one night for illegal, unauthorized photographs of herself. She came upon my site from a search engine after requesting “Pictures of (major french city) (famous hotel chain) in igloos”.

At first PH was taken by the absurd and audacious artwork I had collected on the site, and spent a few hours browsing and giggling. But when she heard Bluegrass Anesthesia, specifically the instrumental section, she instinctually knew somehow that the notes being played by the guitar corresponded with the genetic map that makes her who she is.

She contacted the International Associates of Genetic Information and Technology (IAGIT– pronounced like ‘i-jit’) to see if there was anyway she could sue me for‘Genetic Infringement’ or some such thing.


Thunk- aboard the Mothership- circa’ Holloween 2002

The good news and the bad news: There are no laws currently in the realm of genetic piracy or any similar precedent which any lawyer is willing to pursue against me; but the IAGIT does compile and adhere to a very strict ‘No Clone’ list, and apparently PH is among the many humans who will never be replicated under any circumstances.

The IAGIT had my site immediately shut down for reasons of international well-being. Having the genetic code to mass produce an army of bimbo clones right out in the open like that was an invitation to tug at the already fraying threads of decent society, and a threat to humanity in general.

I am currently exploring options for a place to host a new and improved version of my web-site, and the engineers at ‘We Hate Music’ are close, I am assured, to reconfiguring the corrupt guitar solo with Pro-Tools to map the genetic coding of the harmless spidermonkey.

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