I recently won first prize on the newest reality television competition, ‘American Idle’. I say it here not to brag, but because I realize most of you probably missed it.
Admittedly, It was an extremely boring program, and was only aired in the unrespectable hours of the morning, on cable channels when the ‘Girls Gone Wild’ people had run out of money, to propagate and pawn their titillating wares.
The series was a competition to find the laziest person in America, no easy feat by any means. Most of the contestants disqualified themselves simply by showing up; something which I had thought about doing, but never quite got around to.
In the end, I believe it was the essay I wrote on slothliness which put me over the top in the eyes of the judges. They had asked for a five thousand word dissertation on the merits of utter inertia; I turned in one half-assed paragraph, and three weeks past deadline to boot. One cannot fake that sort of apathy.
Here is what I composed:
“Weary of it all; so much to say, but… who has the time? Just pulling my body from the bed this afternoon has expended me of all my energy; perhaps after a nap…”
And with that, I thrust may way into the annals of reality television super-stardom. Look for me soon on the talk show circuit (not the really early ones, mind you).
And start your Christmas shopping early this year; when I predict that the mysterious and elusive ‘Dora the Explorer Talking Doll-House’ will be surpassed by the equally sought after and fought over line of Robert Emmett American Idle Inaction Figures.
© Robert Emmett McWhorter (circa 2005)