I’ve been amassing these little sayings for years, weird stuff just falls out of my head. Most of these are skewed takes on familiar sayings, others are some of my ‘go to’ lines for certain situations. I know there are some I’m forgetting, and I’m always coming up with newer and weirder ways to break the language, so this page will be updated occasionally.

‘You have to learn to walk before you can properly fall down’

thinker‘Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid indefinitely.’

‘It wasn’t me! And I promise I’ll never do it again!’

‘A watched phone never boils’

‘People who live in Glass Houses shouldn’t worry about whether they’re half full or half empty.’

‘A woman is like a fine wine, one is too much and a thousand isn’t enough.’

‘Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and he’ll have an excuse to get drunk at five in the morning.’

‘They say that when God closes one door, he opens a window; so obviously He’s not the one paying the heating bill.’

‘You can lead a horse to water, but you still have to hold it’s head under manually if you expect it to drown.’

‘When life gives you lemons, wrap them in a sock so you can beat people with it and not leave a bruise.’

‘Some say the glass is either half-full or half-empty, I say the choice of vessel is completely inappropriate for the amount of liquid it contains.’

‘Relearning an old trick, you may at first feel rusty, but it soon comes back to you just like falling off a bike.’

‘I don’t put much stock in Horoscopes or really believe in the validity of Astrology, but this is a typically Pisces thing to say.’

‘They say sometimes you must choose between being happy, or being right. I do hope you’re happy, because you certainly are not right!’

‘Of course I’m right, I’m always right! And even when I’m wrong, I’m still righter than you!’

‘I like my coffee like my women; cold, black and bitter.’

‘I can tell the future, but I can’t tell it much. The future never listens.’

‘I’ve never laughed so hard in my mouth!’

‘I don’t care much for tomatoes, but I rarely stop in the produce aisle to yell at the people buying them anymore.’ (standard reply to most trolls)

© Robert Emmett McWhorter

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