Congress Passes Flat Earth Initiative

fliptopthumbCongress has put aside its bickering and volatility for a rare moment. Our nations lawmakers came together on a bipartisan bill known as the Flat Earth Initiative. While forty-two percent of legislators are willing to admit the Earth is not flat, almost all agree that it should be. Most of the problems on our planet would be easier dealt with if we were all on the same level. Peace and harmony could be ours if we had a flat land where everyone could look one another in the eye.

The bill sailed through congress, receiving near unanimous support and a multi-trillion dollar budget. But no one is quite sure how to go about flattening the Earth. Most imagine it will be much like applying a giant decal or window tint. There will be a lot of water involved and some sort of enormous squeegee machine to work out the kinks and the air bubbles.

Congress also passed a resolution declaring gravity to be junk science. They have ordered all staircases, escalators and elevators removed from federal buildings. The lawmakers claim these only promote a vertical dependence. They help to entangle us with godless scientific pondering.

Elevator shaft fatalities have been reported. But so far, their frequency remains within the legally acceptable allowance for annual elevator deaths.

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