Class Action Slackers

thumb-fliptopnewsDATELINE — Washington DC.
In breaking news, a class action lawsuit has been filed in federal court on behalf of every slacker ever fired from a job for doing nothing. According to the suit, all the wronged parties are now claiming to be Zen Buddhist, and action of any sort goes against their religion.

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Zapruder: Reloaded

DATELINE, Los AngelesFlip Top News Logo

With all the movie remakes recently, it’s easy to think that Hollywood has run out of new ideas. Their newest film reboot, though, might indicate that they have even run out of movies to remake.

Universal Studios today announced they are currently filming a remake of the Zapruder film; the 1963 homemovie that captured the assassination of John F. Kennedy. The remake will star Nicholas Cage as the President, Kristen Stewart as the First Lady, and Benedict Cumberbatch as secret serviceman Clint Hill.

The studio has been secretive about the project. We have learned however that they will beef up the original 4 minute film to feature length by adding a subplot concerning alien/ werewolf/ KGB members.

Zapruder_cropped_forstoryUniversal says Zapruder: Reloaded will be in theaters by Christmas, along with a full line of action figures and collectibles.

Some experts who have seen early treatments of the film are planning a boycott because of its departure from history and embellishment of the facts.

One noted historian who wished to remain anonymous noted a glaring inconsistency in the film that has absolutely no correlation in real life. In one scene, after president is first shot, he (played by Cage) squints up toward the book depository window and shouts, “You feeling lucky punk?”

New Triangulated Business Structure Offers Opportunities To Investors At Every Level

Flip Top News LogoAnnouncer:
Most diets are destined to fail because they force unrealistic demands upon us. They ask us to change what we eat and how we eat it, often replacing the foods we love with pale and tasteless imitations. They often also expect us to get off the couch and exercise. Not video game exercise, genuine grunting and stretching. Between family and work and internet bullying, who has time to exercise? Like, real exercise, down on the ground sweating all over yourself.

With the new Gravitas Lunar Weight Loss Program, we promise results with just a little pill and a change of scenery. You will never be asked to give up your favorite foods or how frequently you eat them. And no one will dare ask you to lift a finger toward improving your own health.

It’s a two step system; it’s so easy anyone can do it. First, you take the Gravitas Metabolism Enhancing Medication daily as directed by a shady chemist who can write scripts.*

Gravitas is a simple weight loss medication that the FDA doesn’t even want to talk about because it is so safe and it’s effects are so miniscule. It’s not worth their time.**

You can tell it’s working when you start to grind your teeth, and soon your other bones. It also provides a detached dreamlike daze which will make your daily life seem like a radio program you can vaguely recall hearing as a child, from a radio made of static in another room. You will not be able to give a damn about anything, and you’ll feel great! Once the stress is gone, the pounds falls off. Everyone knows that, it’s elementary science.

Part two of the program is an indefinite extended temporary relocation to our Gravitas Lunar Weight Loss Concentration Colony. The moon has only one sixth of Earth’s gravity. Simply by moving to the moon, you can shed dozens, even hundreds of pounds. All without breaking a sweat.

Man:
I could never seem to keep the weight off. The diets made me eat cardboard wafers that tasted like old glue, and the exercise regimen gave my trainer a heart attack on the first day. But with Gravitas all I have to do is take drugs and live on the moon. And I feel great!

Woman:
The hardest part of dieting is the bland food and tiny portions. With Gravitas I shed almost 80 pounds just by leaving Earth’s atmosphere. And I can eat whatever I want! So long as it can be processed and dehydrated and put into a form where it will remain edible in extreme conditions under various pressures and temperatures in the near-vacuum conditions of space for extended periods of time.

Give up, get lost, and give in. Gravitas Lunar Weight Loss Program can help get you there.

*Medication must be taken at precisely the same time everyday, down to the second. If you take the pill on an even numbered second one day, but an odd numbered second the next, please call poison control and tell them to initiate Omega protocols. Make peace with your maker, and crouch under a desk or in a door jamb. Medication must not be subjected to photons (light) prior to ingesting or it is prone to become unstable, reverting to antimatter, causing a catastrophic explosion of energy, ripping a pig-sized hole in the fabric of space-time. Discontinue medication if you are allergic to butterscotch, you experience ringing of the ears ascending in elevators or upon escalators, or if you notice blurry green time termites in the periphery of your vision feeding on reality like a cancer. Never even think about Gravitas on an empty stomach.

**May cause dizziness, drowsiness, aggravated blinking, hummingbird lip, creased earlobe, temporal displacia, pineal cramp, cranky toe, flammable sneezing, sarcastic  diarrhea, eyeball sponge syndrome and related bodily dehydration, spontaneous conception, trucker’s grunt, non-binding material adhesion,intravenous photo-synesthesia, narcissist’s tan, crossed streams, electromagnetic ennui, octopus loss, spleen tilt,  grand mal dry socket, wombat pox, gray plague, general malignancy, projectile vanity, full frontal spinal ejection and burnt or withering stump.

 

Boehner’s Health Care Proposol.

Flip Top News LogoStill looking for ways to derail the Affordable Care Act, John Boehner stated today that the best way to rein in skyrocketing medical costs is to hire more women as doctors, nurses, and administrators, noting that on average women only cost 70% of what they would have to pay a man.

John Boehner, first Orange-American to hold office.

John Boehner, first Orange-American to hold office.

Congress Passes Flat Earth Initiative

fliptopthumbCongress has put aside its bickering and volatility for a rare moment. Our nations lawmakers came together on a bipartisan bill known as the Flat Earth Initiative. While forty-two percent of legislators are willing to admit the Earth is not flat, almost all agree that it should be. Most of the problems on our planet would be easier dealt with if we were all on the same level. Peace and harmony could be ours if we had a flat land where everyone could look one another in the eye.

The bill sailed through congress, receiving near unanimous support and a multi-trillion dollar budget. But no one is quite sure how to go about flattening the Earth. Most imagine it will be much like applying a giant decal or window tint. There will be a lot of water involved and some sort of enormous squeegee machine to work out the kinks and the air bubbles.

Congress also passed a resolution declaring gravity to be junk science. They have ordered all staircases, escalators and elevators removed from federal buildings. The lawmakers claim these only promote a vertical dependence. They help to entangle us with godless scientific pondering.

Elevator shaft fatalities have been reported. But so far, their frequency remains within the legally acceptable allowance for annual elevator deaths.

4 Out Of 5 Homeless Daleks are War Veterans

Unemployed Dalek begging for used batteries, collecting donations for RAG (Robots Against Greed)

Unemployed Dalek begging for used batteries, collecting donations for RAG (Robots Against Greed)

A new study released today gives some clarity to the rising phenomena of unemployed and homeless Daleks. Many return from combat with physical damage and psychological conditions such as Plunger Fatigue. Because of their limited skill set, many Daleks find it difficult to adjust to civilian life.

Jobs that are available do not pay what they used to. ‘Exterminate’ is no longer considered a specialized skill,  so Daleks subsist on minimum wage and working for tips.

Even in careers which require a trigger-happy attitude, such as many low level government positions, their infamous bad aim can easily become a liability. Daleks employed as can openers have caused more people to die from starvation than were ever killed by Dalek firepower, past, present and future.

There is, however, one silver lining to report. The Supreme Court announced last week it is a violation of Kaled Rights to fire a Dalek from any job which involves going up or down stairs. Employers are now required to install elevators, dumbwaiters or at least a stairway lift.

BBC Slashes Doctor Who’s Budget; Show Expected to Revert to ‘Classic’ Look

fliptopthumbThe BBC had some difficult news for the worlds longest running Science Fiction franchise.

It wasn’t too long ago when the skies looked limitless for the reboot of Doctor Who. Since relaunching in 2005 the show has received critical acclaim and a fast-growing fan base. When the show’s star writer Stephen Moffat took over as executive producer a few years back, it seemed like the dawning of a new golden age.

Unfortunately things haven’t quite worked out that way. The show has struggled in the last few seasons. Viewership has diminished. Many critics now look the other way at any mention of the series, pretending they didn’t hear.

The BBC announced Monday it will drastically cut the budget for the upcoming season. But they hope this will ultimately save the show. It is a two pronged effort. The budget cuts will allow the show to continue for now, executives will be less inclined to see it as a money pit and call for cancellation. It will also mean the end of the high-tech big-budget production the show has enjoyed since returning to television.

Sneak Peak! Billie Piper on set filming  'The Tardis Ate Rose Tyler'

Sneak Peak! Billie Piper on set, filming ‘The Tardis That Ate Rose Tyler’

Some BBC insiders are looking forward to the new series, anticipating a return to the classic look from the 1960s and ’70s. The original show has long been infamous for it’s cheap and cheesy special effects and unconvincing costumes.

Also returning this season is Billie Piper as Rose Tyler. A BBC producer who wishes to remain anonymous informed us of her return, “She just showed up on set every bloody morning, begging to be back on the show.”

Apparently Ms. Piper offered to work for free, and the network could hardly refuse. Rose will be in six of the twelve stories planned for the upcoming season. But Billie Piper will also appear in the rest of the episodes playing a variety of roles. She will play a space-ghost in one episode, with a bed sheet draped over her and holes cut out for eyes. In another she will portray a time-mummy, wrapped up tight in toilet paper. And in one episode the Doctor reverses her polarity and she becomes Evil Rose Tyler, sporting a black goatee.

Any Team Can Have A Bad Eon

goatThere’s a mantra one will hear in Chicago. It starts in the spring and usually by June it grows to a cacophony of disgust. “There’s always next year.”

Today the teams owners spoke up about this oft repeated phrase. They are asking everyone to refrain from saying it, as it gives the coaching staff and management unbearable anxiety. The thought of putting together a successful team and having them ready to compete in only a year,  it puts a lot of pressure on the organization.

The city is developing a concession phrase, working with the team as well as the general public. So far their offerings of “Give it ten years or so,” and “There will be other millennia,” were both rejected by the team as unrealistic time frames.

In the end the Cubs and the city came to an agreement. The phrase they chose is much longer than anyone wanted. It lacks the poetic ring of the old phrase, but at least it now reflects an attainable goal for the team.

“There will always be survivors in the dystopian post-nuclear-apocalypse wasteland, and perhaps some of them will form a baseball team as a nostalgic display of escapism, maybe then, and only then, will the Cubs have a chance at winning their division.”

Chicago Cubs Finish Season 0-1

L_FlagThe Chicago Cubs have set a new world record for shortest baseball season. Yep, that’s it folks, it’s already over. After losing yesterdays season opener, the Cubs are already finished for the year.

Sports analysts and trigonometry professors have looked at the numbers and they agree; on this, the second day of the baseball season, the Cubs have been mathematically eliminated from play off considerations.

The teams management did not seem surprised at all by today’s findings. They stated early on not too expect too much from the team this year, as this is still part of the Cub’s ‘rebuilding century.’

NSA Falls Victim to Nigerian Prince Scam

Dateline, Washington DC.

fliptopthumbThe Department of Justice reported Monday that it is investigating whether the federal government has fallen victim to an international scam. Since they began intercepting and reading all our email, the NSA has sent over $63 Billion to members of the Nigerian royal family. The Agencies defends these actions, saying they seemed to be sure-fire, safe investments.

To this date, none of the investments have returned any money. Many of the alleged Nigerian royals who orchestrated these exchanges have gone missing.

Officials state they became suspicious when someone from the State Department read a Wikipedia entry on Nigeria. It informed him that Nigeria has a democratic government and not a monarchy. Indeed, there is no Nigerian royal family at all.

Federal officials are blaming the overwhelming amount of information they have to sift through and the speed it requires to read “every… damn… email…” They cite the fact that the average American reads .5% (zero point five percent) of the emails they receive, while the Government reads it all. This often leaves individual agents in a torpid, trance-like state. They become vulnerable to predators and susceptible to suggestion.

As the DOJ digs to the bottom of this case, other departments are starting to take notice and look for evidence of fraud. The General Accounting Office announced they may launch an investigation of their own. They admitted there is a chance one or several of the three dozen Golden Gate Bridges the Federal Government recently purchased may in fact be forgeries.

Daylight Savings Time Cheat Code

Deadline

Deadline

SHHHH! daylight savings time cheat code:

Hour up, hour up, hour down, hour down, minute ahead, minute back, alarm, snooze, start.

Gives you unlimited hours, multi-ball, and all the ghosts you can eat.

NOTICE: Ragnarok, Viking Apocalypse

Today is Ragnarok, the Viking version of ‘end of the world’ mythology. Experts are expecting things to progress in a smooth, orderly fashion. I think we have all learned much from the recent Mayan apocalypse, The Rapture, The oft-forgotten zombie apocalypse and of course Y2K.

As events commence later this afternoon when the sun is being eaten by an enormous cosmic wolf, all Vikings and people with substantial Nordic heritage should form a single file line, and kindly await notice before exiting.

Screaming and panicking will only be permitted in predetermined screaming and panicking zones, please consult your local apocalyptic protocols for the nearest location.

Parents of young children should make sure their own spirit has been safely released from the mortal coil before assisting their young ones with metaphysical disembodiment.

We know Ragnarok is not your only choice for end of the world ideologies, so we doubly appreciate your choice to end the world with us, and we hope to make the experience as enjoyable for everyone as is possible. We hope you will fill out a short customer satisfaction survey which you will receive once you make it to the other side.