Any Team Can Have A Bad Eon

goatThere’s a mantra one will hear in Chicago. It starts in the spring and usually by June it grows to a cacophony of disgust. “There’s always next year.”

Today the teams owners spoke up about this oft repeated phrase. They are asking everyone to refrain from saying it, as it gives the coaching staff and management unbearable anxiety. The thought of putting together a successful team and having them ready to compete in only a year,  it puts a lot of pressure on the organization.

The city is developing a concession phrase, working with the team as well as the general public. So far their offerings of “Give it ten years or so,” and “There will be other millennia,” were both rejected by the team as unrealistic time frames.

In the end the Cubs and the city came to an agreement. The phrase they chose is much longer than anyone wanted. It lacks the poetic ring of the old phrase, but at least it now reflects an attainable goal for the team.

“There will always be survivors in the dystopian post-nuclear-apocalypse wasteland, and perhaps some of them will form a baseball team as a nostalgic display of escapism, maybe then, and only then, will the Cubs have a chance at winning their division.”

Chicago Cubs Finish Season 0-1

L_FlagThe Chicago Cubs have set a new world record for shortest baseball season. Yep, that’s it folks, it’s already over. After losing yesterdays season opener, the Cubs are already finished for the year.

Sports analysts and trigonometry professors have looked at the numbers and they agree; on this, the second day of the baseball season, the Cubs have been mathematically eliminated from play off considerations.

The teams management did not seem surprised at all by today’s findings. They stated early on not too expect too much from the team this year, as this is still part of the Cub’s ‘rebuilding century.’

Chicago Baseball in October

-or-
Twenty Three Shopping Days Left Until the End of the World
(circa 2004)

yellowbugHave you seen this years new bugs?

There are the new little bee’s that seem to be just absolutely everywhere. There’s the recent upgrade of that beetle that looks like a ladybug, all new features for this season. There was a translucent tiny green spider on my car window this evening.

All the regular old bugs have disappeared by this time of year, even the spiders have given up their battle for my room, regrouping to invade again next spring. But all the new bugs, they stick around a little later into fall…

But my question is, where do they come from? For years and years I was accustomed to the same old bugs every summer; flies, ants, bees, wasps, those rolly-polly things, earwigs, caterpillars, worms, and every couple of years some locust or cicadas.

It was maybe five years ago i first noticed a new bug. I remember it vividly because for a brief moment I thought I was first witness to some previously undiscovered species.

Until some one saw me staring and said, “Oh, that. That’s the new bug…

But now, they are everywhere, and every year seems to bring more. Are they all, like that Asian Beetle that came over to eat all our trees, accidentally shipped over in shoddy fruit boxes?

In my more paranoid moments I believe them to be tiny government robots, but that’s another story for another time…

The game is on again, I have to go. The Cubs are winning, and once again, Sammy is tracing the outline of some ancient seal in the outfield with his feet…

© Robert Emmett McWhorter