New Triangulated Business Structure Offers Opportunities To Investors At Every Level

Announcer:
Most diets are destined to fail because they force unrealistic demands upon us. They ask us to change what we eat and how we eat it, often replacing the foods we love with pale and tasteless imitations. They often also expect us to get off the couch and exercise. Not video game exercise, genuine grunting and stretching. Between family and work and internet bullying, who has time to exercise? Like, real exercise, down on the ground sweating all over yourself.

With the new Gravitas Lunar Weight Loss Program, we promise results with just a little pill and a change of scenery. You will never be asked to give up your favorite foods or how frequently you eat them. And no one will dare ask you to lift a finger toward improving your own health.

It’s a two step system; it’s so easy anyone can do it. First, you take the Gravitas Metabolism Enhancing Medication daily as directed by a shady chemist who can write scripts.*

Gravitas is a simple weight loss medication that the FDA doesn’t even want to talk about because it is so safe and it’s effects are so miniscule. It’s not worth their time.**

You can tell it’s working when you start to grind your teeth, and soon your other bones. It also provides a detached dreamlike daze which will make your daily life seem like a radio program you can vaguely recall hearing as a child, from a radio made of static in another room. You will not be able to give a damn about anything, and you’ll feel great! Once the stress is gone, the pounds falls off. Everyone knows that, it’s elementary science.

Part two of the program is an indefinite extended temporary relocation to our Gravitas Lunar Weight Loss Concentration Colony. The moon has only one sixth of Earth’s gravity. Simply by moving to the moon, you can shed dozens, even hundreds of pounds. All without breaking a sweat.

Man:
I could never seem to keep the weight off. The diets made me eat cardboard wafers that tasted like old glue, and the exercise regimen gave my trainer a heart attack on the first day. But with Gravitas all I have to do is take drugs and live on the moon. And I feel great!

Woman:
The hardest part of dieting is the bland food and tiny portions. With Gravitas I shed almost 80 pounds just by leaving Earth’s atmosphere. And I can eat whatever I want! So long as it can be processed and dehydrated and put into a form where it will remain edible in extreme conditions under various pressures and temperatures in the near-vacuum conditions of space for extended periods of time.

Give up, get lost, and give in. Gravitas Lunar Weight Loss Program can help get you there.

*Medication must be taken at precisely the same time everyday, down to the second. If you take the pill on an even numbered second one day, but an odd numbered second the next, please call poison control and tell them to initiate Omega protocols. Make peace with your maker, and crouch under a desk or in a door jamb. Medication must not be subjected to photons (light) prior to ingesting or it is prone to become unstable, reverting to antimatter, causing a catastrophic explosion of energy, ripping a pig-sized hole in the fabric of space-time. Discontinue medication if you are allergic to butterscotch, you experience ringing of the ears ascending in elevators or upon escalators, or if you notice blurry green time termites in the periphery of your vision feeding on reality like a cancer. Never even think about Gravitas on an empty stomach.

**May cause dizziness, drowsiness, aggravated blinking, hummingbird lip, creased earlobe, temporal displacia, pineal cramp, cranky toe, flammable sneezing, sarcastic  diarrhea, eyeball sponge syndrome and related bodily dehydration, spontaneous conception, trucker’s grunt, non-binding material adhesion,intravenous photo-synesthesia, narcissist’s tan, crossed streams, electromagnetic ennui, octopus loss, spleen tilt,  grand mal dry socket, wombat pox, gray plague, general malignancy, projectile vanity, full frontal spinal ejection and burnt or withering stump.

 

Blood Bank

‘Thank you for requesting our Utterly Flexible Savings Account. You may activate this debit card by making an initial deposit into your account. You may do so online at VitalFinancial.com, by phone at 800-666-BANK, or at one of our convenient ATM locations.’

Jake walked the seven blocks to the Vital Financial branch closest to his home. By the time he arrived his head was hot and damp. A few beads of sweat dripped down from his black curly hair, causing his eyes to sting.

He slid the new debit card into its slot, entered his PIN number and pressed the DEPOSIT button. From another wider slot below, an envelope emerged. Jake pulled the money from his pocket. He attempted to straighten a few crumbled bills before sliding them into the envelope, with about a dozen various coins and a healthy swath of pocket lint.

Jake held the envelope up to his face, licking the adhesive. The paper edge rubbed against his upper lip, causing him a sharp peculiar pain. He puckered his face as he sealed the envelope. He noticed a small streak of blood on the back which he tried to wipe away, only smearing it further.

With a shrug, Jake redeposited the envelope in the ATM machine via the lower slot. The machine rumbled and purred as its electric intestines examined the offering. The small LCD display now showed Jake a breakdown of what it had received:

CASH: 18.00
COIN: 1.21
OTHER: 62.38

“Other?” Jake furrowed his brow. Again he pressed the DEPOSIT button and received a second envelope. He held it up to his face, squeezing his upper lip between two fingers. A bubble of blood splashed onto the paper. He smeared it across the face with two fingers before placing it back into the ATM machine’s slot.

CASH: 00.00
COIN: 00.00
OTHER: 265.92

Jake’s heart doubled in pace and a cold chill shot up his spine. He pressed the DEPOSIT button once again, pulling his box-cutter from his coat pocket. He gouged a deep gash into his palm. The envelope was soggy and over-saturated when he returned it to the machine.

CASH: 00.00
COIN: 00.00
OTHER: 82,926.88

Jake smiled as he returned the debit card to his back pocket. He wrapped his bloody hand in his handkerchief and began walking back home. He felt proud and dazed and admittedly more than a little confused. But he felt like he deserved to treat himself to something nice. Maybe he would stop for a small snack at one of the fancy restaurants he normally could not afford. Or maybe a sports car.

He drove his new sports car to work the next morning. He punched in as usual in the warehouse, but then immediately headed toward the front offices.

Judy looked up from her computer screen at Jake. “How can I help you sir?”

“My name is Jake Leech,” he told her, “I would like to speak to the foreman.”

“He’s on an international conference call and can’t be disturbed,” Judy offered him a polite but plastic smile. “You can leave a message or come back after lunch.”

“Just tell him I quit,” Jake said.

Judy gave him a long look. “You quit? Can I tell him why? Are you unhappy?”

“No not at all. I’ve come into considerable money. Inheritance, actually. Um. And I just don’t need to do this anymore.”

Judy stared at Jake, her eyes vacant and mouth wide open. She shook her head.

Jake’s heart beat hard. His palms were threatening to sweat. ‘Now or never’ he thought.

“My name is Jake,” he held out his hand to her.

“Yes, yes. You said,” she answered, still a little startled. She noticed the band-aid on his palm but thought nothing of it, shaking his hand. “I’m Judy.”

“Yes, I know,” his face flushed red, “I’ve noticed you. I’ve been trying to work up the nerve to ask you out to dinner.”

Again her jaw went limp, leaving her gawking mouth agape. Again she shook her head. “Well, I’m glad that you did,” she smiled at him now. “It’s still early for dinner but you could take me out to lunch.”

Jake was beaming as he left the building, hand in hand with Judy. They crossed the parking lot toward his new car. “Where would you like to go?”

“Have you been to the new French restaurant downtown?” Judy asked.

“No I’ve never been able to afford that sort of place before,” Jake smiled wide at her.

He parked the yellow sports car downtown and they walked toward the new French restaurant. Jake saw the familiar logo of Vital Financial on the building at the corner.

“Hang on a minute,” he said. “I think I should probably grab some cash just to be safe.”

Together they approached the ATM machine. Jake pushed his debit card into the top slot, entered his PIN and pressed the DEPOSIT button.

“Deposit?” Judy asked, screwing her face into a grimace.

Jake placed both of his hands on her face, twisting her neck. Her eyes rolled hard into the back of her head and he heard something snap. He pulled his box-cutter from his coat pocket, slicing her neck open.

He held her head over the face of the ATM machine and allowed her blood to spill directly into the lower slot. He watched as his balance began to climb. The LCD display raced up into the millions before her blood trickled dry.

The Man Who Yelled Through The Glass

We must start first of all with the fact that on our city hall building downtown, there is no glass in the windows. It’s been many years since there was. It’s a bureaucratic parlor trick, an expression of their power over us.

All the workers inside the building mime their conversations throughout the day, giving the impression that they are simply inaudible to the outside world. So people believe there is a thick pane between them blocking the sound. The employees inside also ignore any sound made outside the building to fully portray the effect.

People believed in the glass, they believed in the barrier between them and the important looking folks inside the building. The spell was cast so convincingly, after some time the people agreed that the glass was becoming dirty, and they chose the bravest from among their young men, and hoped he was dumb enough not to know how much danger he was in.

He approached the building in the window cleaner’s scaffolding, the crane pulling him up to the top floor. He wrung out his squeegee. He reached it toward the top of the glass when he noticed. His heart refused to beat for a full two seconds, and then wrung battery acid into his veins.

He tried to touch the squeegee to the glass, and confirmed his suspicions. A gasp escaped from his mouth. The people inside heard and this time they couldn’t pretend. They watched him still and silent.

The boy hopped over the window sill, inside the building. Blood throbbing at his temples, he stood, looked out over the town. He heard them scuffle behind him, approaching already.

“Everyone!” he shouted toward the town. “There is no glass in these windows. It is a lie. They can hear us, and they pretend to be inaudible!”
Three men were close enough to the young boy to grab his legs and clumsily nudge him out the window. He fell, screaming. And then his heart stopped, long before he hit the water.

And that is why they placed his monument here, on the banks of the moat. It is a shame we lost him so young. One can only imagine what secrets he might have gone on to tell. There has never been another born like him, with this super power or singular ability. No one before and so far none since. And so we will remember him always and honor his legacy. We forever marvel at his miracle, this man who was the only one ever able to yell through the glass.

Knock. Untuner of Guitars.

Another Guitar God uncovered during closet archaeology

His name is Knock. Untuner of guitars, God of the open mic. Legend says if you say his name three times from the stage, someone will loosen your teeth for you with their fists. (circa 1994)

New Study: Extinct Animals Were Mostly Bad At Capitalism

Flip Top News Logo

A new government study reveals a correlation between animal species which have gone extinct in the last few centuries, and their lack of participation in the free market system. To put it bluntly, the species which no longer survive were lousy capitalists.

At best some of these breeds had attained a rudimentary comprehension of bartering. But most animals packs or other social orders do usually border on socialism or communism. Even the bees, whose own numbers have recently been on the decline. Despite living in a system of monarchy, essentially a dictatorship, bees have proven to be beneficial to the planet and to mankind. Unfortunately they have been unable to protect their assets, and are known to invest widely and foolishly.

Experts now place some of the blame on the animals themselves, for not adapting and embracing the simplest of financial concepts or even a common currency.

Many say this is one aspect of a larger problem. Wildlife in general is unwilling to adapt to modern ways of life.

Even to this day, most animals refuse to cooperate in any established social norms. Governments around the world have invested money, time, and effort. They have installed ‘Animal Crossing’ signs on roads where automobiles and animals often intersect. To this day though, you would be hard pressed to find any animals actually crossing at the signs. They refuse to use them or indeed obey any traffic regulations. You would think they couldn’t even read them. Everyday, animals still haphazardly cross the busy roads and highways whenever and where ever they please.

Congress Passes Flat Earth Initiative

Congress has put aside its bickering and volatility for a rare moment. Our nations lawmakers came together on a bipartisan bill known as the Flat Earth Initiative. While forty-two percent of legislators are willing to admit the Earth is not flat, almost all agree that it should be. Most of the problems on our planet would be easier dealt with if we were all on the same level. Peace and harmony could be ours if we had a flat land where everyone could look one another in the eye.

The bill sailed through congress, receiving near unanimous support and a multi-trillion dollar budget. But no one is quite sure how to go about flattening the Earth. Most imagine it will be much like applying a giant decal or window tint. There will be a lot of water involved and some sort of enormous squeegee machine to work out the kinks and the air bubbles.

Congress also passed a resolution declaring gravity to be junk science. They have ordered all staircases, escalators and elevators removed from federal buildings. The lawmakers claim these only promote a vertical dependence. They help to entangle us with godless scientific pondering.

Elevator shaft fatalities have been reported. But so far, their frequency remains within the legally acceptable allowance for annual elevator deaths.

Four Inch Failures

A recently unearthed cartoon from 1996.

Postcards from the End of the World

A new series for the twentieth anniversary of Postcards from the End of the World by B. Slogan, the  mad/opus masterpiece from last days of the last century. Recently unearthed texts all us to present the complete text for the first time ever, and I will be dissecting the texts and providing background information and extensive study notes and annotation.

https://postcardsfromtheendoftheworld.wordpress.com/

Humor Me — Eat, Sleep, Write

The Wednesday edition of my regular blog over at Eat, Sleep Write.
http://eatsleepwrite.net/humorme

4 Out Of 5 Homeless Daleks are War Veterans

Unemployed Dalek begging for used batteries, collecting donations for RAG (Robots Against Greed)

A new study released today gives some clarity to the rising phenomena of unemployed and homeless Daleks. Many return from combat with physical damage and psychological conditions such as Plunger Fatigue. Because of their limited skill set, many Daleks find it difficult to adjust to civilian life.

Jobs that are available do not pay what they used to. ‘Exterminate’ is no longer considered a specialized skill,  so Daleks subsist on minimum wage and working for tips.

Even in careers which require a trigger-happy attitude, such as many low level government positions, their infamous bad aim can easily become a liability. Daleks employed as can openers have caused more people to die from starvation than were ever killed by Dalek firepower, past, present and future.

There is, however, one silver lining to report. The Supreme Court announced last week it is a violation of Kaled Rights to fire a Dalek from any job which involves going up or down stairs. Employers are now required to install elevators, dumbwaiters or at least a stairway lift.

Any Team Can Have A Bad Eon

There’s a mantra one will hear in Chicago. It starts in the spring and usually by June it grows to a cacophony of disgust. “There’s always next year.”

Today the teams owners spoke up about this oft repeated phrase. They are asking everyone to refrain from saying it, as it gives the coaching staff and management unbearable anxiety. The thought of putting together a successful team and having them ready to compete in only a year,  it puts a lot of pressure on the organization.

The city is developing a concession phrase, working with the team as well as the general public. So far their offerings of “Give it ten years or so,” and “There will be other millennia,” were both rejected by the team as unrealistic time frames.

In the end the Cubs and the city came to an agreement. The phrase they chose is much longer than anyone wanted. It lacks the poetic ring of the old phrase, but at least it now reflects an attainable goal for the team.

“There will always be survivors in the dystopian post-nuclear-apocalypse wasteland, and perhaps some of them will form a baseball team as a nostalgic display of escapism, maybe then, and only then, will the Cubs have a chance at winning their division.”

Chicago Cubs Finish Season 0-1

The Chicago Cubs have set a new world record for shortest baseball season. Yep, that’s it folks, it’s already over. After losing yesterdays season opener, the Cubs are already finished for the year.

Sports analysts and trigonometry professors have looked at the numbers and they agree; on this, the second day of the baseball season, the Cubs have been mathematically eliminated from play off considerations.

The teams management did not seem surprised at all by today’s findings. They stated early on not too expect too much from the team this year, as this is still part of the Cub’s ‘rebuilding century.’