4 Out Of 5 Homeless Daleks are War Veterans

Unemployed Dalek begging for used batteries, collecting donations for RAG (Robots Against Greed)

Unemployed Dalek begging for used batteries, collecting donations for RAG (Robots Against Greed)

A new study released today gives some clarity to the rising phenomena of unemployed and homeless Daleks. Many return from combat with physical damage and psychological conditions such as Plunger Fatigue. Because of their limited skill set, many Daleks find it difficult to adjust to civilian life.

Jobs that are available do not pay what they used to. ‘Exterminate’ is no longer considered a specialized skill, ¬†so Daleks subsist on minimum wage and working for tips.

Even in careers which require a trigger-happy attitude, such as many low level government positions, their infamous bad aim can easily become a liability. Daleks employed as can openers have caused more people to die from starvation than were ever killed by Dalek firepower, past, present and future.

There is, however, one silver lining to report. The Supreme Court announced last week it is a violation of Kaled Rights to fire a Dalek from any job which involves going up or down stairs. Employers are now required to install elevators, dumbwaiters or at least a stairway lift.

NSA Falls Victim to Nigerian Prince Scam

Dateline, Washington DC.

fliptopthumbThe Department of Justice reported Monday that it is investigating whether the federal government has fallen victim to an international scam. Since they began intercepting and reading all our email, the NSA has sent over $63 Billion to members of the Nigerian royal family. The Agencies defends these actions, saying they seemed to be sure-fire, safe investments.

To this date, none of the investments have returned any money. Many of the alleged Nigerian royals who orchestrated these exchanges have gone missing.

Officials state they became suspicious when someone from the State Department read a Wikipedia entry on Nigeria. It informed him that Nigeria has a democratic government and not a monarchy. Indeed, there is no Nigerian royal family at all.

Federal officials are blaming the overwhelming amount of information they have to sift through and the speed it requires to read “every… damn… email…” They cite the fact that the average American reads .5% (zero point five percent) of the emails they receive, while the Government reads it all. This often leaves individual agents in a torpid, trance-like state. They become vulnerable to predators and susceptible to suggestion.

As the DOJ digs to the bottom of this case, other departments are starting to take notice and look for evidence of fraud. The General Accounting Office announced they may launch an investigation of their own. They admitted there is a chance one or several of the three dozen Golden Gate Bridges the Federal Government recently purchased may in fact be forgeries.

Credit: Player One: 90 days remaining

This Just In!

pleasefeedThe United States Government has gathered nickels from couch cushions and dimes stuffed in corners. The pilot found four dollars in the cup holders of Air Force One. Mitch McConnell was convinced to sell some of his kraut-rock record collection.

The collectors will finally stop calling. The Election Company won’t drop the twenty four billion dollars in late fees, rate increases and rustier status, but as usual we can leave that until later. Much later, hopefully the next shift.

failTwenty four billion, that should teach us how dedicated they are to eliminating government overspending.

John Boehner just went to the bank and broke his billion dollar bill. He has gone out now to pay the meter. An ambassador from China will be by in the morning to remove the boot from the Capital.

©Robert Emmett McWhorter