DATELINE — Washington DC.
In breaking news, a class action lawsuit has been filed in federal court on behalf of every slacker ever fired from a job for doing nothing. According to the suit, all the wronged parties are now claiming to be Zen Buddhist, and action of any sort goes against their religion.
Announcer:
Most diets are destined to fail because they force unrealistic demands upon us. They ask us to change what we eat and how we eat it, often replacing the foods we love with pale and tasteless imitations. They often also expect us to get off the couch and exercise. Not video game exercise, genuine grunting and stretching. Between family and work and internet bullying, who has time to exercise? Like, real exercise, down on the ground sweating all over yourself.
With the new Gravitas Lunar Weight Loss Program, we promise results with just a little pill and a change of scenery. You will never be asked to give up your favorite foods or how frequently you eat them. And no one will dare ask you to lift a finger toward improving your own health.
It’s a two step system; it’s so easy anyone can do it. First, you take the Gravitas Metabolism Enhancing Medication daily as directed by a shady chemist who can write scripts.*
Gravitas is a simple weight loss medication that the FDA doesn’t even want to talk about because it is so safe and it’s effects are so miniscule. It’s not worth their time.**
You can tell it’s working when you start to grind your teeth, and soon your other bones. It also provides a detached dreamlike daze which will make your daily life seem like a radio program you can vaguely recall hearing as a child, from a radio made of static in another room. You will not be able to give a damn about anything, and you’ll feel great! Once the stress is gone, the pounds falls off. Everyone knows that, it’s elementary science.
Part two of the program is an indefinite extended temporary relocation to our Gravitas Lunar Weight Loss Concentration Colony. The moon has only one sixth of Earth’s gravity. Simply by moving to the moon, you can shed dozens, even hundreds of pounds. All without breaking a sweat.
Man:
I could never seem to keep the weight off. The diets made me eat cardboard wafers that tasted like old glue, and the exercise regimen gave my trainer a heart attack on the first day. But with Gravitas all I have to do is take drugs and live on the moon. And I feel great!
Woman:
The hardest part of dieting is the bland food and tiny portions. With Gravitas I shed almost 80 pounds just by leaving Earth’s atmosphere. And I can eat whatever I want! So long as it can be processed and dehydrated and put into a form where it will remain edible in extreme conditions under various pressures and temperatures in the near-vacuum conditions of space for extended periods of time.
Give up, get lost, and give in. Gravitas Lunar Weight Loss Program can help get you there.
*Medication must be taken at precisely the same time everyday, down to the second. If you take the pill on an even numbered second one day, but an odd numbered second the next, please call poison control and tell them to initiate Omega protocols. Make peace with your maker, and crouch under a desk or in a door jamb. Medication must not be subjected to photons (light) prior to ingesting or it is prone to become unstable, reverting to antimatter, causing a catastrophic explosion of energy, ripping a pig-sized hole in the fabric of space-time. Discontinue medication if you are allergic to butterscotch, you experience ringing of the ears ascending in elevators or upon escalators, or if you notice blurry green time termites in the periphery of your vision feeding on reality like a cancer. Never even think about Gravitas on an empty stomach.
**May cause dizziness, drowsiness, aggravated blinking, hummingbird lip, creased earlobe, temporal displacia, pineal cramp, cranky toe, flammable sneezing, sarcastic diarrhea, eyeball sponge syndrome and related bodily dehydration, spontaneous conception, trucker’s grunt, non-binding material adhesion,intravenous photo-synesthesia, narcissist’s tan, crossed streams, electromagnetic ennui, octopus loss, spleen tilt, grand mal dry socket, wombat pox, gray plague, general malignancy, projectile vanity, full frontal spinal ejection and burnt or withering stump.
Part One of my interview with John Alan Simon, writer/director/producer of Radio Free Albemuth, is now live on Word of the Nerd: http://www.wordofthenerdonline.com/radio-free-albemuth-interview-with-john-alan-simon-part-1/
The movie is based on the novel by Philip K Dick, and premieres in theaters today! Check http://radiofreealbemuth.com for showtimes and locations and all other details!
I have a new article this morning on The Word Of The Nerd Online. Radio Free Albemuth, the lastest Philip K. Dick film adaptation, is set to hit theaters June 27th. Discovery Films has released a new extended trailer which gives a pretty decent glimpse at the movie. I’m really looking forward to this one. It could be the one that finally gets PKD right.
The film’s writer, producer and director, John Alan Simon, was kind enough to sit down and chat with me. We talk about the film, his approach to writing, and all points in between. It was a great conversation and only bolstered my excitement for the film. Look for the interview soon. It will be coming to The Word Of The Nerd Online as we get a little closer to go time.
http://www.wordofthenerdonline.com/radio-free-alb…27-new-trailer/
Today’s installment of my writing blog on Eat, Sleep, Write. Today we talk about self doubt, sometimes called ‘Impostor Syndrome,’ an all-too-common trait in creative people.
http://eatsleepwrite.net/selfdoubts
First of all thank you to those of you who tuned in. It was a lot of fun from my end, although I did find myself more nervous than I thought I would be.
The link at the top of the page will open the archive where you can hear the complete show. It was an honor to be on Freedomizer Radio with Tessa B. Dick. More than a straight and formal interview it was more like a conversation with a friend, a few friends at the end.
We did talk about my book but we touched on a lot of subjects as we veered through the stratosphere of available topics. I was surprised and delighted we talked as much as we did about Philip K Dick and his work, especially to hear a few new twists on the tales and aspects of the stories I hadn’t heard before, and direct from the source!
Thanks to everyone who called in, Sara your book is on its way, I do hope you enjoy! I expect a full report! And multiple thanks again to Tessa for this and all the support you have granted me in this adventure.
Purr!
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/freedomizerradio/2014/03/03/ancient-of-days-no-bull-zone
http://www.examiner.com/review/meowing-on-the-answering-machine-book-review
Check out Tessa B. Dick’s review of my book, I couldn’t make it any better even with limitless bribe money and ghost writing the review myself. Looking forward to being on her show this Monday, doubly so now!
Get out a fresh circle of paper and a sliver of chalk, add this to your parents dictionary, here is today’s new word.
Zudswackxomnebplight /(no pronunciation)/ onomatopoeia v. unable to speak,
having no words. As in “I don’t know what to say, that film left me zudswackxomnebplighted.”
The key to pronouncing this word is remembering that all the letters are
silent; z from zoetrope, rendezous; u from colleague, guess; d from Wednesday,
sandwich; s from island, debris; w from sword, answer; a from artistically,
logically; c from muscle, scissors; k from knife, knight; x from faux pas; o
from colonel; b from crumbs, debt; m from mnemonic; n from autumn, column;
p from coup, psychology; l from would, should; e from breathe, psyche;
i from business; g from gnaw, high; h from honest, ghost; and t from castle,
gourmet. So if you pronounce it properly the listener will think
you have trailed off…
Today is Ragnarok, the Viking version of ‘end of the world’ mythology. Experts are expecting things to progress in a smooth, orderly fashion. I think we have all learned much from the recent Mayan apocalypse, The Rapture, The oft-forgotten zombie apocalypse and of course Y2K.
As events commence later this afternoon when the sun is being eaten by an enormous cosmic wolf, all Vikings and people with substantial Nordic heritage should form a single file line, and kindly await notice before exiting.
Screaming and panicking will only be permitted in predetermined screaming and panicking zones, please consult your local apocalyptic protocols for the nearest location.
Parents of young children should make sure their own spirit has been safely released from the mortal coil before assisting their young ones with metaphysical disembodiment.
We know Ragnarok is not your only choice for end of the world ideologies, so we doubly appreciate your choice to end the world with us, and we hope to make the experience as enjoyable for everyone as is possible. We hope you will fill out a short customer satisfaction survey which you will receive once you make it to the other side.
Introducing the Stem-Cellphone. Sampling your DNA, it becomes any phone you like,
or a unique, custom dream device. Also, you can use it to grow
extra limbs and spare organs.
MEOWING ON THE ANSWERING MACHINE is today’s featured book on Examiner.com‘s Indie Book Spotlight. Read, share, post, repeat!
http://www.examiner.com/article/indie-book-spotlight-meowing-on-the-answering-machine
In light of some television networks and news agencies publishing Olympic
updates from Sochi before they have been officially aired in prime time, The
President, Congress and the FCC are dropping all other matters to address the national outrage over ‘Spoilers.’
Most citizens agree there should be a Standard National Spoiler Disclosure
Protocol in place, regulated by the FCC, which would force broadcasters to use a ‘SPOILER’ tag or similar disclaimer when revealing sensitive information, or face fines and penalties and possibly have their license revoked for repeated infractions.
Americans are outraged, not only for the irresponsible handling of medal counts
at the Olympics, but for other recent infractions including the Game of Thrones
season ending cliff-hanger, the Breaking Bad finale, and the almost instant
reporting of ‘more trite nonsense’ that accompanies any new Twilight movie
release.
After years of being splintered by national debates on political matters such as
the economy, national security, employee rights, voter rights, civil rights,
entitlements and government spending, it seems the American people finally have
an issue we can all come together on, and rally as one voice for some real,
substantial change.
The Director of the NSA, Gen. Keith Alexander, addressed the press today, saying, “After reading countless personal emails and private messages, we are aware that the Spoiler issue is the number one priority in the agenda of the average American household, and it should be ours as well.”
Congress announced it is pulling manpower and money away from immigration, the
drug war, maintaining Guantanamo bay with an eye toward its decommission, and
the crumbling infrastructure of the nation, to focus our minds and our finances
on how to properly identify and warn about Spoilers, and other related
matters such as how long is the statute of spoiler limitations? Is giving away
the plot-lines of Firefly, now ten years in the public eye, still a
prosecutable offense? How soon is too soon?
The President, Congress, Senate and other government VIPs are said to be forming
an expert committee to deal with this emergency, and promises to put all other
matters aside until this is dealt with to mutual satisfaction.
Joe Krumpnall, an out of work auto mechanic and ex-vet we interviewed today
seemed to reflect the Government’s and the people’s beliefs. “I have no job and
no money and I’m sick but I can’t go to the doctor because I have no insurance.
And I’m currently playing a sort of roulette game; will my electricity be cut
off before my television and phone service, or will my landlord beat them both with his
ten-day notice to evict? I tell you what, the only thing that keeps me sane recently after a long day of hunting for work and begging for
help is to come home and watch some young girls sliding a rock across the ice
and sweeping it home. Now that’s ruined, since they announced all the curling results and medal winners already on the five o’clock news.”
American officials are consulting with the British Government and the BBC. They specifically want to find out how the Doctor Who Fiftieth Anniversary Special was handled so adeptly. For the better part of a year secrets were kept under lock and key, even from cast and crew. There were denials and rumors and denial of rumors, but in the end it was kept mostly a secret on a level with most matters of National
Security, until Tom Baker made his return to the show for the first time since
the 1980s.
Oh, have I said too much? There’s a helicopter overhead and a black van in the
driveway. Someone is pounding on the door. I’ll be right back…
irobert.me 