Boehner’s Health Care Proposol.

Flip Top News LogoStill looking for ways to derail the Affordable Care Act, John Boehner stated today that the best way to rein in skyrocketing medical costs is to hire more women as doctors, nurses, and administrators, noting that on average women only cost 70% of what they would have to pay a man.

John Boehner, first Orange-American to hold office.

John Boehner, first Orange-American to hold office.

New Study: Extinct Animals Were Mostly Bad At Capitalism

Flip Top News Logo

Flip Top News Logo

A new government study reveals a correlation between animal species which have gone extinct in the last few centuries, and their lack of participation in the free market system. To put it bluntly, the species which no longer survive were lousy capitalists.

At best some of these breeds had attained a rudimentary comprehension of bartering. But most animals packs or other social orders do usually border on socialism or communism. Even the bees, whose own numbers have recently been on the decline. Despite living in a system of monarchy, essentially a dictatorship, bees have proven to be beneficial to the planet and to mankind. Unfortunately they have been unable to protect their assets, and are known to invest widely and foolishly.

Experts now place some of the blame on the animals themselves, for not adapting and embracing the simplest of financial concepts or even a common currency.

extinctMany say this is one aspect of a larger problem. Wildlife in general is unwilling to adapt to modern ways of life.

Even to this day, most animals refuse to cooperate in any established social norms. Governments around the world have invested money, time, and effort. They have installed ‘Animal Crossing’ signs on roads where automobiles and animals often intersect. To this day though, you would be hard pressed to find any animals actually crossing at the signs. They refuse to use them or indeed obey any traffic regulations. You would think they couldn’t even read them. Everyday, animals still haphazardly cross the busy roads and highways whenever and where ever they please.

Congress Passes Flat Earth Initiative

fliptopthumbCongress has put aside its bickering and volatility for a rare moment. Our nations lawmakers came together on a bipartisan bill known as the Flat Earth Initiative. While forty-two percent of legislators are willing to admit the Earth is not flat, almost all agree that it should be. Most of the problems on our planet would be easier dealt with if we were all on the same level. Peace and harmony could be ours if we had a flat land where everyone could look one another in the eye.

The bill sailed through congress, receiving near unanimous support and a multi-trillion dollar budget. But no one is quite sure how to go about flattening the Earth. Most imagine it will be much like applying a giant decal or window tint. There will be a lot of water involved and some sort of enormous squeegee machine to work out the kinks and the air bubbles.

Congress also passed a resolution declaring gravity to be junk science. They have ordered all staircases, escalators and elevators removed from federal buildings. The lawmakers claim these only promote a vertical dependence. They help to entangle us with godless scientific pondering.

Elevator shaft fatalities have been reported. But so far, their frequency remains within the legally acceptable allowance for annual elevator deaths.

4 Out Of 5 Homeless Daleks are War Veterans

Unemployed Dalek begging for used batteries, collecting donations for RAG (Robots Against Greed)

Unemployed Dalek begging for used batteries, collecting donations for RAG (Robots Against Greed)

A new study released today gives some clarity to the rising phenomena of unemployed and homeless Daleks. Many return from combat with physical damage and psychological conditions such as Plunger Fatigue. Because of their limited skill set, many Daleks find it difficult to adjust to civilian life.

Jobs that are available do not pay what they used to. ‘Exterminate’ is no longer considered a specialized skill,  so Daleks subsist on minimum wage and working for tips.

Even in careers which require a trigger-happy attitude, such as many low level government positions, their infamous bad aim can easily become a liability. Daleks employed as can openers have caused more people to die from starvation than were ever killed by Dalek firepower, past, present and future.

There is, however, one silver lining to report. The Supreme Court announced last week it is a violation of Kaled Rights to fire a Dalek from any job which involves going up or down stairs. Employers are now required to install elevators, dumbwaiters or at least a stairway lift.

NSA Falls Victim to Nigerian Prince Scam

Dateline, Washington DC.

fliptopthumbThe Department of Justice reported Monday that it is investigating whether the federal government has fallen victim to an international scam. Since they began intercepting and reading all our email, the NSA has sent over $63 Billion to members of the Nigerian royal family. The Agencies defends these actions, saying they seemed to be sure-fire, safe investments.

To this date, none of the investments have returned any money. Many of the alleged Nigerian royals who orchestrated these exchanges have gone missing.

Officials state they became suspicious when someone from the State Department read a Wikipedia entry on Nigeria. It informed him that Nigeria has a democratic government and not a monarchy. Indeed, there is no Nigerian royal family at all.

Federal officials are blaming the overwhelming amount of information they have to sift through and the speed it requires to read “every… damn… email…” They cite the fact that the average American reads .5% (zero point five percent) of the emails they receive, while the Government reads it all. This often leaves individual agents in a torpid, trance-like state. They become vulnerable to predators and susceptible to suggestion.

As the DOJ digs to the bottom of this case, other departments are starting to take notice and look for evidence of fraud. The General Accounting Office announced they may launch an investigation of their own. They admitted there is a chance one or several of the three dozen Golden Gate Bridges the Federal Government recently purchased may in fact be forgeries.

A Nation Comes Together Against SPOILERS

fliptopthumbIn light of some television networks and news agencies publishing Olympic
updates from Sochi before they have been officially aired in prime time, The
President, Congress and the FCC are dropping all other matters to address the national outrage over ‘Spoilers.’

Most citizens agree there should be a Standard National Spoiler Disclosure
Protocol in place, regulated by the FCC, which would force broadcasters to use a ‘SPOILER’ tag or similar disclaimer when revealing sensitive information, or face fines and penalties and possibly have their license revoked for repeated infractions.

Americans are outraged, not only for the irresponsible handling of medal counts
at the Olympics, but for other recent infractions including the Game of Thrones
season ending cliff-hanger, the Breaking Bad finale, and the almost instant
reporting of ‘more trite nonsense’ that accompanies any new Twilight movie
release.

After years of being splintered by national debates on political matters such as
the economy, national security, employee rights, voter rights, civil rights,
entitlements and government spending, it seems the American people finally have
an issue we can all come together on, and rally as one voice for some real,
substantial change.

The Director of the NSA, Gen. Keith Alexander, addressed the press today, saying, “After reading countless personal emails and private messages, we are aware that the Spoiler issue is the number one priority in the agenda of the average American household, and it should be ours as well.”

Congress announced it is pulling manpower and money away from immigration, the
drug war, maintaining Guantanamo bay with an eye toward its decommission, and
the crumbling infrastructure of the nation, to focus our minds and our finances
on how to properly identify and warn about Spoilers, and other related
matters such as how long is the statute of spoiler limitations? Is giving away
the plot-lines of Firefly, now ten years in the public eye, still a
prosecutable offense? How soon is too soon?

The President, Congress, Senate and other government VIPs are said to be forming
an expert committee to deal with this emergency, and promises to put all other
matters aside until this is dealt with to mutual satisfaction.

Joe Krumpnall, an out of work auto mechanic and ex-vet we interviewed today
seemed to reflect the Government’s and the people’s beliefs. “I have no job and
no money and I’m sick but I can’t go to the doctor because I have no insurance.
And I’m currently playing a sort of roulette game; will my electricity be cut
off before my television and phone service, or will my landlord beat them both with his
ten-day notice to evict? I tell you what, the only thing that keeps me sane recently after a long day of hunting for work and begging for
help is to come home and watch some young girls sliding a rock across the ice
and sweeping it home. Now that’s ruined, since they announced all the curling results and medal winners already on the five o’clock news.”

American officials are consulting with the British Government and the BBC. They specifically want to find out how the Doctor Who Fiftieth Anniversary Special was handled so adeptly. For the better part of a year secrets were kept under lock and key, even from cast and crew. There were denials and rumors and denial of rumors, but in the end it was kept mostly a secret on a level with most matters of National
Security, until Tom Baker made his return to the show for the first time since
the 1980s.

Oh, have I said too much? There’s a helicopter overhead and a black van in the
driveway. Someone is pounding on the door. I’ll be right back…

Vote Sprud in ’15

billsprudBill Sprud, the often beleaguered mayor of Meow Town, Flip Top Island, held a press conference today to announce he is running for president, asking everyone to ‘Vote Sprud in ’15!’

A journalist quickly pointed out that the next presidential elections will be in November 2016.

“That’s why I’m running in ’15,” Sprud replied, “Early worm gets the bird.”

Shutting down the weather channel

fliptopnewsA group from Earlham Iowa identifying itself as Citizen Against Unamericanism & Socialism & Evilution (CAUSE) is planning a march on Washington DC later this month to publicize their cause and try to drum the president or congress into some type of action.

They are calling for a full boycott of companies who advertise on the Weather Channel. Their online campaigns at [whine&cheese.net]  and [soapbox]have spread petitions world-wide calling on people to stop watching the Weather Channel and stop buying from anyone who supports their Orson Wellian 1984 remake of War of the Worlds scare tactics. Some local affiliates and cable providers have recently stopped offering the channel in certain areas.

The group’s leader, Leigh Donald Day say CAUSE, which they pronounce as ‘cuz,‘ wants the FCC to step in and stop the Weather Channel as a matter of National Security.

Their initial complaint was that programming on the Weather Channel has grown increasingly violent over recent years, and is no longer suitable for children to watch, with an increase in fatalities from tsunamis and hurricanes and volcano eruptions and virgin sacrifice as well as spontaneous combustion. The group has been pressing harder in recent weeks since the snow storms covering much of the country are causing so many children to miss extended lengths of school time due to all the ‘Snow Days.’

When reached for comment the president declined to speak on the matter, saying it was utterly ridiculous and he had nothing to hide, but was currently busy on sky writing mission aboard Air Force One, spelling out ‘HAARP’ in the chem-trail clouds.

Flip Top News vows you bring you the latest on this story as more develops.

Drag #1

DRAGheaderdrag1-40 drag2-40drag3-40
Drag Number One. A little experimental comic strip. Ring! Ring! Hello? Good evening, sir! My name is Bill Sprud, I am your local representative. I wonder if you have fifteen minutes to talk about local politcal issues? Uh… yeah, sure. Hold one for just one minute…
Here you go, buddy. You go play now. I won’t be needing you for a while. Cool! See ya! Are you there, sir? Uh… Yuuuh… Oh, great! May I ask what line of work you are in? Um… Guuuug-gah… Bluuuuuuuuh… Oh! You’re a  politician too?

Revolting Thoughts

I think we’ve all heard the grumbling. It started on the fringe, little whispers from the most extreme papers and websites. But the voices are growing in numbers and becoming more brave and outspoken. As the divide between the rich and the poor grows wider, and the political divisions between left and right become more polarized, the quiet chant is becoming a battle cry, a call to arms.

Everyday our ability to fix things from the inside appears to grow incrementally more impossible. Some are saying it’s time for revolution, to burn it all down and start over.

But a Military takeover, revolt or coup rarely put anything better in place. Look at the messes in the Middle East since the ‘Arab Spring’. We have a fine Constitution in place, and we should keep it in place– or restore it, as some would say– with the Taxation Mandate, the Second Amendment, the General Welfare Clause, and all.

We were very lucky George Washington was man of the character he was. At the end of the Revolution most of the world, and many of the colonists, expected him to claim a throne; to replace the old monarchy with a new one. He disbanded his army and ceded power to the Continental Congress; this was met with disbelief when the rest of the world heard the news.

When the current Constitution was ratified and enacted, and Washington became president, most thought he would remain so for life. He stepped down after two terms, a precedent not broken until Franklin Delano Roosevelt in World War Two.

This is an exceptional case, things rarely work out this well. The French revolution ultimately led to Napoleon. And despite everything that Lenin spoke of, once the Russian Czar was dethroned and the Soviets took power, it was basically one totalitarian regime in place of another.

History retells this tale ad nauseam.

It will be a difficult road to repair from within; so many Americans disillusioned by politics, and those who do become involved are mostly caught up in the bickering between stale and meaningless alliances; red-hats are better than blue-hats, or vise versa.

It is high time we recognize that these people we repeatedly vote for and elect, to be our voice in the government and to protect our interests; with few exceptions, they are not ‘liberals’ or ‘conservatives’, they are not Democrats or Republicans; and they do not represent us, or in fact care about us at all. We have been divided, and unless we realize this and act, we will be conquered.

If we can get to a place where we’re not fighting one another, and recognize the real threat against us; if we can convince a majority of the population to become active in the effort; we can turn this course around, and take back our country from the powers and entities which are currently purchasing our government, and the politicians who have become little more than corporate whores. It is in their best interest to keep us distracted.

We, the people, the average American citizens, the peasants, the once middle class– our issues are not against each other, we are more the same than dissimilar. I hope we can come together and put the petty grievances aside, reclaim our solidarity and independence, and work united to take back our country. Indeed, a house divided cannot stand.

© Robert Emmett McWhorter

During the Government Shut Down…

… with ‘Non-Essential’ employees on furlough, should Congress continue to get paid?

Of course, Congress should continue to receive compensation. I mean, we talk about assisting the poor, the disabled and those who can’t help themselves. Have you ever seen a group so morally bankrupt, mentally disabled and so backwardly spiteful, they would cut off their own heads to keep from pulling them out of their asses?

But we should not call it ‘paid’. It seems to suggest they worked, or somehow earned it.

Notice of Scheduled Termination

EMPLOYEE: United States Congress #113 

REASON FOR DISMISSAL/TERMINATION: Unexcused Absence. No Call, No Show.
TERMS: No severance, no reference.
REMEMBER: Congress works for US! They are elected by US! And paid by OUR TAXES, and are expected to represent OUR INTERESTS!
Did any one of us permit this shut down? Did we authorize a request for vacation? Do you recall them asking for time off? Did they call in sick and at least make a half-hearted attempt to sound like they had a bad cold?
Unless congress can come up with a doctors note in the next 72 hours that explains that they were physically unable to work and also unable to notify us, we should consider this absence an Abandonment of Position, and start looking at some resumes and applications for potential candidates to replace them.