Olympic Committee called on to ban anthem

Flip Top News LogoDATELINE, Sochi.

It began with a few countries asking the International Olympic Committee to ban the national anthem of Lichtenstein, which is the 1968 hippie masterpiece In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida by Iron Butterfly.

Lichtenstein, a tiny sixty-two mile square mile strip of land between Switzerland and Austria, is well used to being overlooked. The country began to gain publicity and fame when it was reported that Doug Ingle, vocalist and organ player for Iron Butterfly, was born in the tiny nation. Eventually, in recognition and gratitude to Lichtenstein’s most famous export, they changed their national anthem to the seventeen minute long In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.

This has gone mostly unnoticed as does most everything the tiny state does. They have rarely won medals in previous Olympics and have skipped about half of them altogether.

This year, however, the Lichtenstein athletes have come to compete. They won their first gold medal in the early events that were held the day before the official opening, besting the rest of the competitors in Figure Skating- Pairs- Siamese Twin- Short Routine. When the seventeen minute hippie anthem was played while the athletes stood with their medals, some countries protested primarily on the burdening length of the song.

Lichtenstein has continued to place well in the competition, winning seven gold medals as of this writing, most notably in Women’s Cross-Country Speed Curling, and Men’s Individual Ski-Lift Defenestration.

More and more countries have aligned with the protest as the extended acid rock staple is played repeatedly. Some national ambassadors are citing the thick cloud of marijuana smoke that permeates the stands every time Lichtenstein wins a medal, and the general feeling around the grounds which are starting to resemble a Grateful Dead pre-concert parking lot.

Olympic Officials could not be reached for comment at this time. They could be reached, but refused to comment as their mouths were full, mostly Cool Ranch Doritos and Krispy Kreme Donuts.

©Robert Emmett McWhorter

Shutting down the weather channel

fliptopnewsA group from Earlham Iowa identifying itself as Citizen Against Unamericanism & Socialism & Evilution (CAUSE) is planning a march on Washington DC later this month to publicize their cause and try to drum the president or congress into some type of action.

They are calling for a full boycott of companies who advertise on the Weather Channel. Their online campaigns at [whine&cheese.net]  and [soapbox]have spread petitions world-wide calling on people to stop watching the Weather Channel and stop buying from anyone who supports their Orson Wellian 1984 remake of War of the Worlds scare tactics. Some local affiliates and cable providers have recently stopped offering the channel in certain areas.

The group’s leader, Leigh Donald Day say CAUSE, which they pronounce as ‘cuz,‘ wants the FCC to step in and stop the Weather Channel as a matter of National Security.

Their initial complaint was that programming on the Weather Channel has grown increasingly violent over recent years, and is no longer suitable for children to watch, with an increase in fatalities from tsunamis and hurricanes and volcano eruptions and virgin sacrifice as well as spontaneous combustion. The group has been pressing harder in recent weeks since the snow storms covering much of the country are causing so many children to miss extended lengths of school time due to all the ‘Snow Days.’

When reached for comment the president declined to speak on the matter, saying it was utterly ridiculous and he had nothing to hide, but was currently busy on sky writing mission aboard Air Force One, spelling out ‘HAARP’ in the chem-trail clouds.

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