Class Action Slackers

thumb-fliptopnewsDATELINE — Washington DC.
In breaking news, a class action lawsuit has been filed in federal court on behalf of every slacker ever fired from a job for doing nothing. According to the suit, all the wronged parties are now claiming to be Zen Buddhist, and action of any sort goes against their religion.

New Listing: Run DMC Escher

Now listed for sale on Ebay: Run DMC Escher (2014) Ink & Watercolor
Get this one quick, once it’s gone it’s gone!
http://www.ebay.com/itm/-/301665914846?

Zapruder: Reloaded

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With all the movie remakes recently, it’s easy to think that Hollywood has run out of new ideas. Their newest film reboot, though, might indicate that they have even run out of movies to remake.

Universal Studios today announced they are currently filming a remake of the Zapruder film; the 1963 homemovie that captured the assassination of John F. Kennedy. The remake will star Nicholas Cage as the President, Kristen Stewart as the First Lady, and Benedict Cumberbatch as secret serviceman Clint Hill.

The studio has been secretive about the project. We have learned however that they will beef up the original 4 minute film to feature length by adding a subplot concerning alien/ werewolf/ KGB members.

Zapruder_cropped_forstoryUniversal says Zapruder: Reloaded will be in theaters by Christmas, along with a full line of action figures and collectibles.

Some experts who have seen early treatments of the film are planning a boycott because of its departure from history and embellishment of the facts.

One noted historian who wished to remain anonymous noted a glaring inconsistency in the film that has absolutely no correlation in real life. In one scene, after president is first shot, he (played by Cage) squints up toward the book depository window and shouts, “You feeling lucky punk?”

Boehner’s Health Care Proposol.

Flip Top News LogoStill looking for ways to derail the Affordable Care Act, John Boehner stated today that the best way to rein in skyrocketing medical costs is to hire more women as doctors, nurses, and administrators, noting that on average women only cost 70% of what they would have to pay a man.

John Boehner, first Orange-American to hold office.

John Boehner, first Orange-American to hold office.

The Man Who Yelled Through The Glass

mirrorWe must start first of all with the fact that on our city hall building downtown, there is no glass in the windows. It’s been many years since there was. It’s a bureaucratic parlor trick, an expression of their power over us.

All the workers inside the building mime their conversations throughout the day, giving the impression that they are simply inaudible to the outside world. So people believe there is a thick pane between them blocking the sound. The employees inside also ignore any sound made outside the building to fully portray the effect.

People believed in the glass, they believed in the barrier between them and the important looking folks inside the building. The spell was cast so convincingly, after some time the people agreed that the glass was becoming dirty, and they chose the bravest from among their young men, and hoped he was dumb enough not to know how much danger he was in.

He approached the building in the window cleaner’s scaffolding, the crane pulling him up to the top floor. He wrung out his squeegee. He reached it toward the top of the glass when he noticed. His heart refused to beat for a full two seconds, and then wrung battery acid into his veins.

He tried to touch the squeegee to the glass, and confirmed his suspicions. A gasp escaped from his mouth. The people inside heard and this time they couldn’t pretend. They watched him still and silent.

The boy hopped over the window sill, inside the building. Blood throbbing at his temples, he stood, looked out over the town. He heard them scuffle behind him, approaching already.

“Everyone!” he shouted toward the town. “There is no glass in these windows. It is a lie. They can hear us, and they pretend to be inaudible!”
Three men were close enough to the young boy to grab his legs and clumsily nudge him out the window. He fell, screaming. And then his heart stopped, long before he hit the water.

And that is why they placed his monument here, on the banks of the moat. It is a shame we lost him so young. One can only imagine what secrets he might have gone on to tell. There has never been another born like him, with this super power or singular ability. No one before and so far none since. And so we will remember him always and honor his legacy. We forever marvel at his miracle, this man who was the only one ever able to yell through the glass.

New Study: Extinct Animals Were Mostly Bad At Capitalism

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Flip Top News Logo

A new government study reveals a correlation between animal species which have gone extinct in the last few centuries, and their lack of participation in the free market system. To put it bluntly, the species which no longer survive were lousy capitalists.

At best some of these breeds had attained a rudimentary comprehension of bartering. But most animals packs or other social orders do usually border on socialism or communism. Even the bees, whose own numbers have recently been on the decline. Despite living in a system of monarchy, essentially a dictatorship, bees have proven to be beneficial to the planet and to mankind. Unfortunately they have been unable to protect their assets, and are known to invest widely and foolishly.

Experts now place some of the blame on the animals themselves, for not adapting and embracing the simplest of financial concepts or even a common currency.

extinctMany say this is one aspect of a larger problem. Wildlife in general is unwilling to adapt to modern ways of life.

Even to this day, most animals refuse to cooperate in any established social norms. Governments around the world have invested money, time, and effort. They have installed ‘Animal Crossing’ signs on roads where automobiles and animals often intersect. To this day though, you would be hard pressed to find any animals actually crossing at the signs. They refuse to use them or indeed obey any traffic regulations. You would think they couldn’t even read them. Everyday, animals still haphazardly cross the busy roads and highways whenever and where ever they please.

Congress Passes Flat Earth Initiative

fliptopthumbCongress has put aside its bickering and volatility for a rare moment. Our nations lawmakers came together on a bipartisan bill known as the Flat Earth Initiative. While forty-two percent of legislators are willing to admit the Earth is not flat, almost all agree that it should be. Most of the problems on our planet would be easier dealt with if we were all on the same level. Peace and harmony could be ours if we had a flat land where everyone could look one another in the eye.

The bill sailed through congress, receiving near unanimous support and a multi-trillion dollar budget. But no one is quite sure how to go about flattening the Earth. Most imagine it will be much like applying a giant decal or window tint. There will be a lot of water involved and some sort of enormous squeegee machine to work out the kinks and the air bubbles.

Congress also passed a resolution declaring gravity to be junk science. They have ordered all staircases, escalators and elevators removed from federal buildings. The lawmakers claim these only promote a vertical dependence. They help to entangle us with godless scientific pondering.

Elevator shaft fatalities have been reported. But so far, their frequency remains within the legally acceptable allowance for annual elevator deaths.

Four Inch Failures

A recently unearthed cartoon from 1996.

FIF

FIF2

FIF3

4 Out Of 5 Homeless Daleks are War Veterans

Unemployed Dalek begging for used batteries, collecting donations for RAG (Robots Against Greed)

Unemployed Dalek begging for used batteries, collecting donations for RAG (Robots Against Greed)

A new study released today gives some clarity to the rising phenomena of unemployed and homeless Daleks. Many return from combat with physical damage and psychological conditions such as Plunger Fatigue. Because of their limited skill set, many Daleks find it difficult to adjust to civilian life.

Jobs that are available do not pay what they used to. ‘Exterminate’ is no longer considered a specialized skill,  so Daleks subsist on minimum wage and working for tips.

Even in careers which require a trigger-happy attitude, such as many low level government positions, their infamous bad aim can easily become a liability. Daleks employed as can openers have caused more people to die from starvation than were ever killed by Dalek firepower, past, present and future.

There is, however, one silver lining to report. The Supreme Court announced last week it is a violation of Kaled Rights to fire a Dalek from any job which involves going up or down stairs. Employers are now required to install elevators, dumbwaiters or at least a stairway lift.

BBC Slashes Doctor Who’s Budget; Show Expected to Revert to ‘Classic’ Look

fliptopthumbThe BBC had some difficult news for the worlds longest running Science Fiction franchise.

It wasn’t too long ago when the skies looked limitless for the reboot of Doctor Who. Since relaunching in 2005 the show has received critical acclaim and a fast-growing fan base. When the show’s star writer Stephen Moffat took over as executive producer a few years back, it seemed like the dawning of a new golden age.

Unfortunately things haven’t quite worked out that way. The show has struggled in the last few seasons. Viewership has diminished. Many critics now look the other way at any mention of the series, pretending they didn’t hear.

The BBC announced Monday it will drastically cut the budget for the upcoming season. But they hope this will ultimately save the show. It is a two pronged effort. The budget cuts will allow the show to continue for now, executives will be less inclined to see it as a money pit and call for cancellation. It will also mean the end of the high-tech big-budget production the show has enjoyed since returning to television.

Sneak Peak! Billie Piper on set filming  'The Tardis Ate Rose Tyler'

Sneak Peak! Billie Piper on set, filming ‘The Tardis That Ate Rose Tyler’

Some BBC insiders are looking forward to the new series, anticipating a return to the classic look from the 1960s and ’70s. The original show has long been infamous for it’s cheap and cheesy special effects and unconvincing costumes.

Also returning this season is Billie Piper as Rose Tyler. A BBC producer who wishes to remain anonymous informed us of her return, “She just showed up on set every bloody morning, begging to be back on the show.”

Apparently Ms. Piper offered to work for free, and the network could hardly refuse. Rose will be in six of the twelve stories planned for the upcoming season. But Billie Piper will also appear in the rest of the episodes playing a variety of roles. She will play a space-ghost in one episode, with a bed sheet draped over her and holes cut out for eyes. In another she will portray a time-mummy, wrapped up tight in toilet paper. And in one episode the Doctor reverses her polarity and she becomes Evil Rose Tyler, sporting a black goatee.

Any Team Can Have A Bad Eon

goatThere’s a mantra one will hear in Chicago. It starts in the spring and usually by June it grows to a cacophony of disgust. “There’s always next year.”

Today the teams owners spoke up about this oft repeated phrase. They are asking everyone to refrain from saying it, as it gives the coaching staff and management unbearable anxiety. The thought of putting together a successful team and having them ready to compete in only a year,  it puts a lot of pressure on the organization.

The city is developing a concession phrase, working with the team as well as the general public. So far their offerings of “Give it ten years or so,” and “There will be other millennia,” were both rejected by the team as unrealistic time frames.

In the end the Cubs and the city came to an agreement. The phrase they chose is much longer than anyone wanted. It lacks the poetic ring of the old phrase, but at least it now reflects an attainable goal for the team.

“There will always be survivors in the dystopian post-nuclear-apocalypse wasteland, and perhaps some of them will form a baseball team as a nostalgic display of escapism, maybe then, and only then, will the Cubs have a chance at winning their division.”

Chicago Cubs Finish Season 0-1

L_FlagThe Chicago Cubs have set a new world record for shortest baseball season. Yep, that’s it folks, it’s already over. After losing yesterdays season opener, the Cubs are already finished for the year.

Sports analysts and trigonometry professors have looked at the numbers and they agree; on this, the second day of the baseball season, the Cubs have been mathematically eliminated from play off considerations.

The teams management did not seem surprised at all by today’s findings. They stated early on not too expect too much from the team this year, as this is still part of the Cub’s ‘rebuilding century.’