In Response to the Meeping Angels

Doctor Whoneydew.
“Meeping Angels!” he shouts, “Whatever you do, Don’t Blink!”
Easy for you to say, Doc, you don’t have any eyes…

Doctor Whoneydew

Doctor Whoneydew

NSA Falls Victim to Nigerian Prince Scam

Dateline, Washington DC.

fliptopthumbThe Department of Justice reported Monday that it is investigating whether the federal government has fallen victim to an international scam. Since they began intercepting and reading all our email, the NSA has sent over $63 Billion to members of the Nigerian royal family. The Agencies defends these actions, saying they seemed to be sure-fire, safe investments.

To this date, none of the investments have returned any money. Many of the alleged Nigerian royals who orchestrated these exchanges have gone missing.

Officials state they became suspicious when someone from the State Department read a Wikipedia entry on Nigeria. It informed him that Nigeria has a democratic government and not a monarchy. Indeed, there is no Nigerian royal family at all.

Federal officials are blaming the overwhelming amount of information they have to sift through and the speed it requires to read “every… damn… email…” They cite the fact that the average American reads .5% (zero point five percent) of the emails they receive, while the Government reads it all. This often leaves individual agents in a torpid, trance-like state. They become vulnerable to predators and susceptible to suggestion.

As the DOJ digs to the bottom of this case, other departments are starting to take notice and look for evidence of fraud. The General Accounting Office announced they may launch an investigation of their own. They admitted there is a chance one or several of the three dozen Golden Gate Bridges the Federal Government recently purchased may in fact be forgeries.

Daylight Savings Time Cheat Code

Deadline

Deadline

SHHHH! daylight savings time cheat code:

Hour up, hour up, hour down, hour down, minute ahead, minute back, alarm, snooze, start.

Gives you unlimited hours, multi-ball, and all the ghosts you can eat.

creationist space

gutenberg

Olympic Committee called on to ban anthem

Flip Top News LogoDATELINE, Sochi.

It began with a few countries asking the International Olympic Committee to ban the national anthem of Lichtenstein, which is the 1968 hippie masterpiece In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida by Iron Butterfly.

Lichtenstein, a tiny sixty-two mile square mile strip of land between Switzerland and Austria, is well used to being overlooked. The country began to gain publicity and fame when it was reported that Doug Ingle, vocalist and organ player for Iron Butterfly, was born in the tiny nation. Eventually, in recognition and gratitude to Lichtenstein’s most famous export, they changed their national anthem to the seventeen minute long In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.

This has gone mostly unnoticed as does most everything the tiny state does. They have rarely won medals in previous Olympics and have skipped about half of them altogether.

This year, however, the Lichtenstein athletes have come to compete. They won their first gold medal in the early events that were held the day before the official opening, besting the rest of the competitors in Figure Skating- Pairs- Siamese Twin- Short Routine. When the seventeen minute hippie anthem was played while the athletes stood with their medals, some countries protested primarily on the burdening length of the song.

Lichtenstein has continued to place well in the competition, winning seven gold medals as of this writing, most notably in Women’s Cross-Country Speed Curling, and Men’s Individual Ski-Lift Defenestration.

More and more countries have aligned with the protest as the extended acid rock staple is played repeatedly. Some national ambassadors are citing the thick cloud of marijuana smoke that permeates the stands every time Lichtenstein wins a medal, and the general feeling around the grounds which are starting to resemble a Grateful Dead pre-concert parking lot.

Olympic Officials could not be reached for comment at this time. They could be reached, but refused to comment as their mouths were full, mostly Cool Ranch Doritos and Krispy Kreme Donuts.

©Robert Emmett McWhorter

Beelzebob Squarepants

beelzebob

Ancient Alien Roadshow

Coming this summer to The ancientalienroadshowHistory Channel… ANCIENT ALIEN ROADSHOW Giorgio: This is a primitive plasma rifle manufactured by flesh and blood extra-terrestrials. Rick: I got a buddy in town he knows everything about alien weaponry, do you mind if I give him a call? He can tell us what it’s worth…

My cameo as a criminal self-clicker

taxirobJailed Man’s YouTube Video Reaches One Million “Self-Hits” in Two Months

Check this out, I think this is pretty hilarious. My friend Mariann Simms put out a note last night, she was looking for a photo she could use in a fictional piece she was writing about a criminal in prison, she wanted someone to volunteer a picture and basically ‘play’ the criminal. I offered the pic I often use of me in NYC in the back of a taxi, taken by Sandra Schneiderman. People often mistake the taxi for the back of a police car, so I figured it would be doubly fitting.

Anyway, read the story, I think it’s absurdly wonderful, right up my alley. Follow her blog as well!