Schrodinger: The Early Years

 

Congress Passes Flat Earth Initiative

Congress has put aside its bickering and volatility for a rare moment. Our nations lawmakers came together on a bipartisan bill known as the Flat Earth Initiative. While forty-two percent of legislators are willing to admit the Earth is not flat, almost all agree that it should be. Most of the problems on our planet would be easier dealt with if we were all on the same level. Peace and harmony could be ours if we had a flat land where everyone could look one another in the eye.

The bill sailed through congress, receiving near unanimous support and a multi-trillion dollar budget. But no one is quite sure how to go about flattening the Earth. Most imagine it will be much like applying a giant decal or window tint. There will be a lot of water involved and some sort of enormous squeegee machine to work out the kinks and the air bubbles.

Congress also passed a resolution declaring gravity to be junk science. They have ordered all staircases, escalators and elevators removed from federal buildings. The lawmakers claim these only promote a vertical dependence. They help to entangle us with godless scientific pondering.

Elevator shaft fatalities have been reported. But so far, their frequency remains within the legally acceptable allowance for annual elevator deaths.

Stem-Cellphone

Introducing the Stem-Cellphone. Sampling your DNA, it becomes any phone you like,
or a unique, custom dream device. Also, you can use it to grow
extra limbs and spare organs.

Black Holes- What You Need to Know to Protect Yourself

Black Holes occur when large, dense stars implode, or collapse upon themselves, creating such a massive gravitational force that they devour everything within sight, including light.

Did you know most Home Insurance Policies do not offer coverage against losses due to a Black Hole? Isn’t it time you offered your family the protection it deserves?

For only $399 I will send you my brand new Black Hole Detector (patent pending). With this easy to use device you can rest assured your pets and loved ones will not be sucked into space to be converted to anti-matter.

And yes, it is easy to use. It works much like a smoke detector or carbon monoxide detector. In fact it looks almost exactly like a carbon monoxide detector except that ‘Carbon Monoxide’ has been crossed off and ‘Black Hole’ has been written in with a red laundry marker.

Money back guarantee! Void where prohibited by laws of physics.You cannot afford to put a price on your families well being. But for those of you on a budget, we now offer the Black Hole Detector Upgrade kit, where by with very little technical know how, you can convert your carbon monoxide or smoke detector into a fully functioning black hole detector.

For only $199 we will mail you the special red laundry marker and you can write ‘black hole’ your damn self.Act now, matter is collapsing!