Still looking for ways to derail the Affordable Care Act, John Boehner stated today that the best way to rein in skyrocketing medical costs is to hire more women as doctors, nurses, and administrators, noting that on average women only cost 70% of what they would have to pay a man.
John Boehner, first Orange-American to hold office.
Another Guitar God uncovered during closet archaeology
His name is Knock. Untuner of guitars, God of the open mic. Legend says if you say his name three times from the stage, someone will loosen your teeth for you with their fists. (circa 1994)
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A new government study reveals a correlation between animal species which have gone extinct in the last few centuries, and their lack of participation in the free market system. To put it bluntly, the species which no longer survive were lousy capitalists.
At best some of these breeds had attained a rudimentary comprehension of bartering. But most animals packs or other social orders do usually border on socialism or communism. Even the bees, whose own numbers have recently been on the decline. Despite living in a system of monarchy, essentially a dictatorship, bees have proven to be beneficial to the planet and to mankind. Unfortunately they have been unable to protect their assets, and are known to invest widely and foolishly.
Experts now place some of the blame on the animals themselves, for not adapting and embracing the simplest of financial concepts or even a common currency.
Many say this is one aspect of a larger problem. Wildlife in general is unwilling to adapt to modern ways of life.
Even to this day, most animals refuse to cooperate in any established social norms. Governments around the world have invested money, time, and effort. They have installed ‘Animal Crossing’ signs on roads where automobiles and animals often intersect. To this day though, you would be hard pressed to find any animals actually crossing at the signs. They refuse to use them or indeed obey any traffic regulations. You would think they couldn’t even read them. Everyday, animals still haphazardly cross the busy roads and highways whenever and where ever they please.
Congress has put aside its bickering and volatility for a rare moment. Our nations lawmakers came together on a bipartisan bill known as the Flat Earth Initiative. While forty-two percent of legislators are willing to admit the Earth is not flat, almost all agree that it should be. Most of the problems on our planet would be easier dealt with if we were all on the same level. Peace and harmony could be ours if we had a flat land where everyone could look one another in the eye.
The bill sailed through congress, receiving near unanimous support and a multi-trillion dollar budget. But no one is quite sure how to go about flattening the Earth. Most imagine it will be much like applying a giant decal or window tint. There will be a lot of water involved and some sort of enormous squeegee machine to work out the kinks and the air bubbles.
Congress also passed a resolution declaring gravity to be junk science. They have ordered all staircases, escalators and elevators removed from federal buildings. The lawmakers claim these only promote a vertical dependence. They help to entangle us with godless scientific pondering.
Elevator shaft fatalities have been reported. But so far, their frequency remains within the legally acceptable allowance for annual elevator deaths.
A recently unearthed cartoon from 1996.
Unemployed Dalek begging for used batteries, collecting donations for RAG (Robots Against Greed)
A new study released today gives some clarity to the rising phenomena of unemployed and homeless Daleks. Many return from combat with physical damage and psychological conditions such as Plunger Fatigue. Because of their limited skill set, many Daleks find it difficult to adjust to civilian life.
Jobs that are available do not pay what they used to. ‘Exterminate’ is no longer considered a specialized skill, so Daleks subsist on minimum wage and working for tips.
Even in careers which require a trigger-happy attitude, such as many low level government positions, their infamous bad aim can easily become a liability. Daleks employed as can openers have caused more people to die from starvation than were ever killed by Dalek firepower, past, present and future.
There is, however, one silver lining to report. The Supreme Court announced last week it is a violation of Kaled Rights to fire a Dalek from any job which involves going up or down stairs. Employers are now required to install elevators, dumbwaiters or at least a stairway lift.
The BBC had some difficult news for the worlds longest running Science Fiction franchise.
It wasn’t too long ago when the skies looked limitless for the reboot of Doctor Who. Since relaunching in 2005 the show has received critical acclaim and a fast-growing fan base. When the show’s star writer Stephen Moffat took over as executive producer a few years back, it seemed like the dawning of a new golden age.
Unfortunately things haven’t quite worked out that way. The show has struggled in the last few seasons. Viewership has diminished. Many critics now look the other way at any mention of the series, pretending they didn’t hear.
The BBC announced Monday it will drastically cut the budget for the upcoming season. But they hope this will ultimately save the show. It is a two pronged effort. The budget cuts will allow the show to continue for now, executives will be less inclined to see it as a money pit and call for cancellation. It will also mean the end of the high-tech big-budget production the show has enjoyed since returning to television.
Sneak Peak! Billie Piper on set, filming ‘The Tardis That Ate Rose Tyler’
Some BBC insiders are looking forward to the new series, anticipating a return to the classic look from the 1960s and ’70s. The original show has long been infamous for it’s cheap and cheesy special effects and unconvincing costumes.
Also returning this season is Billie Piper as Rose Tyler. A BBC producer who wishes to remain anonymous informed us of her return, “She just showed up on set every bloody morning, begging to be back on the show.”
Apparently Ms. Piper offered to work for free, and the network could hardly refuse. Rose will be in six of the twelve stories planned for the upcoming season. But Billie Piper will also appear in the rest of the episodes playing a variety of roles. She will play a space-ghost in one episode, with a bed sheet draped over her and holes cut out for eyes. In another she will portray a time-mummy, wrapped up tight in toilet paper. And in one episode the Doctor reverses her polarity and she becomes Evil Rose Tyler, sporting a black goatee.
There’s a mantra one will hear in Chicago. It starts in the spring and usually by June it grows to a cacophony of disgust. “There’s always next year.”
Today the teams owners spoke up about this oft repeated phrase. They are asking everyone to refrain from saying it, as it gives the coaching staff and management unbearable anxiety. The thought of putting together a successful team and having them ready to compete in only a year, it puts a lot of pressure on the organization.
The city is developing a concession phrase, working with the team as well as the general public. So far their offerings of “Give it ten years or so,” and “There will be other millennia,” were both rejected by the team as unrealistic time frames.
In the end the Cubs and the city came to an agreement. The phrase they chose is much longer than anyone wanted. It lacks the poetic ring of the old phrase, but at least it now reflects an attainable goal for the team.
“There will always be survivors in the dystopian post-nuclear-apocalypse wasteland, and perhaps some of them will form a baseball team as a nostalgic display of escapism, maybe then, and only then, will the Cubs have a chance at winning their division.”
The Chicago Cubs have set a new world record for shortest baseball season. Yep, that’s it folks, it’s already over. After losing yesterdays season opener, the Cubs are already finished for the year.
Sports analysts and trigonometry professors have looked at the numbers and they agree; on this, the second day of the baseball season, the Cubs have been mathematically eliminated from play off considerations.
The teams management did not seem surprised at all by today’s findings. They stated early on not too expect too much from the team this year, as this is still part of the Cub’s ‘rebuilding century.’
Dateline, Washington DC.
The Department of Justice reported Monday that it is investigating whether the federal government has fallen victim to an international scam. Since they began intercepting and reading all our email, the NSA has sent over $63 Billion to members of the Nigerian royal family. The Agencies defends these actions, saying they seemed to be sure-fire, safe investments.
To this date, none of the investments have returned any money. Many of the alleged Nigerian royals who orchestrated these exchanges have gone missing.
Officials state they became suspicious when someone from the State Department read a Wikipedia entry on Nigeria. It informed him that Nigeria has a democratic government and not a monarchy. Indeed, there is no Nigerian royal family at all.
Federal officials are blaming the overwhelming amount of information they have to sift through and the speed it requires to read “every… damn… email…” They cite the fact that the average American reads .5% (zero point five percent) of the emails they receive, while the Government reads it all. This often leaves individual agents in a torpid, trance-like state. They become vulnerable to predators and susceptible to suggestion.
As the DOJ digs to the bottom of this case, other departments are starting to take notice and look for evidence of fraud. The General Accounting Office announced they may launch an investigation of their own. They admitted there is a chance one or several of the three dozen Golden Gate Bridges the Federal Government recently purchased may in fact be forgeries.
The Elimination of Middlemen
Moore’s law, put simply, states that computing power will double every eighteen months. This was predicted back in 1965 at the dawn of modern computing and has so far held true. What used to be a precious and costly commodity is now being produced at an exponentially faster rate. Some find this humorous, in a sardonic way. To others it is overwhelming.
The Commodore 64 when it was introduced boasted sixty-four kilobytes of RAM, all within that ‘little’ box. There is the famous quote from one of the pioneers in the industry where he can’t ever foresee anyone needing more than 64k. Only a decade earlier such an extravagant amount of memory would require an entire building. Nowadays memory is so cheap you can easily afford to store a well-stocked bookstore on the phone in your pocket.
It’s amazing how far we have come. When Moses came down from Mount Sinai it took two tablets to hold ten short paragraphs. Nowadays even the most basic tablet or ereader can store dozens, even hundreds, of books in their entirety.
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